Such a gorgeous afternoon with these boys! Have to say, though, that our day did not end as sweetly and conflict-free as these precious faces and moments would suggest.
There were meltdowns and literal wailing and biting and gnashing of teeth last night—over toys and invasion of personal space and “He’s looking at me!” and staying in our seats at the dinner table and bath time and so on.
It’s sometimes hard to remember in these moments that my kids are acting like children because they ARE children, that they’re continually growing and changing and learning to deal with those changes.
Throw in a sibling relationship on top of all of that, and hello DEFCON 1.
All the coping mechanisms and preventative strategies and good intentions we have in our wheelhouses simply may not help as much as we had hoped in the more challenging moments, especially toward the end of the day when we who are the adults are exhausted too.
Anyone else feel like you’re just winging it some days?
BUT, we do the best we can and we adapt and keep showing our kids how much we love them.
At our boys’ ages (5 and nearly 3) and because they share a room, bedtime is usually when all the chaos fades away and we get a chance to breathe and do the most to repair connections. We snuggle up and read a book, then turn out the lights and tell a silly story that gets the kids talking to each other again.
There’s something about not being able to see one another in the darkness that immediately opens our ears to listen better.
We laugh together, get our giggles and wiggles out, say what we’re thankful for that day, talk to Jesus, sing a goodnight song.
That’s often when the boys get quiet, and whatever’s been most pressing on their minds comes flowing out. Sometimes it’s nerves about school or a favorite toy that’s been misplaced, and sometimes it’s twenty questions about the Volkswagen Beetle (Bumblebee is a favorite here).
What we’ve learned from bedtime is that …
what’s important and pressing to our kids and keeps them up at night has to become important and pressing to us as parents,
… insofar as we can help them navigate well through their concerns and questions—which may not have ever been heard after such an emotionally charged day like yesterday.
With littles, never underestimate the power of a well-timed dad joke or pillow war or silly face. Once the tension has been diffused, I’ve found that our kids are more able to process the tough stuff.
That’s the thing, though.
Laughter is good medicine, but it can’t be all there is.
We can’t just ignore the uncomfortable or avoid the hard conversations, even with 3 and 5 year olds. That’s not loving—that’s selfish.
So, despite being near the end of our own ropes, we muster up some divine energy—Jesus take the wheel—and do what needs to be done to get our kids to open up and communicate.
And we find that our ropes aren’t as short as we thought they were, that love really is patient and always protects and always perseveres (1 Corinthians 3:4-8),
that because Jesus loves us so well, we can love each other well.
We also mess up as parents on the regular and talk about that too with our kids. No one is expected to be perfect at our house, but we are expected to be kind and respectful to each other and willing to make amends, adults included.
When the boys push back a little or ask why, it’s so easy and tempting to just say, “Because I said so,” or “You’ll just have to trust me,” but that’s a prime opportunity to really build trust and confidence.
When children are treated with empathy and given the same courtesy of an explanation that we have come to expect ourselves, they learn that:
- Respectful questions are OK.
- It’s a good idea to think things through for themselves.
And we learn that extra time and extra effort spent on the questions are worth it if we can get past any initial annoyance. It’s on a hair trigger some days, and that word “balance” I hear so much about can seem more like a smile-and-nod or well-isn’t-that-nice moment than a practical reality.
We don’t have to have it all figured out right now, mamas and daddies.
It’s OK to change the routine and your approach if something’s just not working.
Keep connecting.
Keep love for God and love for one another the priorities.
If we can do that, I think the rest tends to fall into place.
Ephesians 4 is a solid place to return to whenever I start to lose sight of the bigger picture.
Feature photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
