*Rejoice Always: Part 1 can be found HERE and explains much of what you’ll read below. It’s worth a quick read, friends!
“If the Lord had not been my help, my soul would soon have lived in the land of silence. When I thought, ‘My foot slips,’ your steadfast love, O Lord, held me up. When the cares of my heart are many, your consolations cheer my soul.”
Psalm 94:17-19 ESV
How true these verses were and still are for me! After leaving medical school, I felt absolutely lost, like a child wandering alone in the wilderness with no sense of direction or purpose. Rejoicing was the furthest thing from my mind, and fear, disappointment and anxiety were hiding just below the surface, which I had worked so hard to keep pristine and calm. It was a familiar mask and one that I wasn’t ready to remove.
However calm I looked on the outside, I was anything but on the inside. I was floundering. I was panicking. I had just lost a huge part of what I thought made me “me” … and I was grieving.
Any confidence I once had in myself had shattered into shards and fine dust, completely unrecognizable.
Though I could say out loud that God was with me and was in control, my heart still doubted and questioned everything, especially my own judgment and capability.
“Lord, I thought that was the path you wanted me on. Was I wrong? Did I misinterpret your call? Can I trust myself to make wise decisions anymore? Where am I supposed to go from here—back to college, into the workforce??”
At home, I tried to keep it together as best I could those first few months of wilderness wandering, but inevitably my defenses would yield to the weight of the world pushing back against them and I would crumble—emotion, worry, grief spilling forth, usually onto my husband after he returned home from work.
I know many spouses out there can relate. Depending on the season of life and circumstances in which you find yourselves, marriage can be hard work, but good and godly work nonetheless.
David was the calm to my chaos in that time of unknowns. So many of my tears and sleepless nights were met with his steadying presence and encouragement, with his level-headed reason when my anxious thoughts raced away from me.
There we were, newly married and still in what should have been the honeymoon phase—and it was in many ways—but we were also dealing with the stress of chronic illness, of student loans, of my doctor appointments and therapy sessions, of my anxiety, of trying to figure out our next steps and a new plan for the future.
It was a lot to ask of anyone, but he isn’t just anyone; he is my husband in sickness and in health, in good times and hard times, and he has stayed by my side and tenderly held my hand and my heart for the duration.
Friends, the Lord provides His comfort in so many ways—through His Word and faithful promise-keeping, through answered prayers, through the Holy Spirit’s presence within us. He also sends His consolations in the form of loved ones, and for me that was David. My husband was God’s comfort in human form, a sturdy place upon which to lean when my world felt like it was falling apart—God’s provision and love at work in my life.
“If GOD hadn’t been there for me, I never would have made it. The minute I said, ‘I’m slipping, I’m falling, [I’ve messed up, I’ve failed, my body and mind have forsaken me, my heart grieves for what was lost, I don’t know what to do,]’ your love, GOD, took hold and held me fast. When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up.”
Psalm 94:17-19 MSG (addition mine)
Indeed He did and does! I have only to pray and remember the Lord’s faithfulness and blessings all around me and the gifts that are my husband and family in order to re-frame my perspective and strengthen my hope. I have only to ask for help from Him and from my people, my village, my community of sisters and brothers in Christ.
Admitting our need for Jesus in all circumstances and also our need for the assistance of others is not a flaw, friends. Far from it—it’s a super power! Reaching out and relying on His strength and others’ abilities in our weakness, however temporary, unlocks the door to hope, to healing, to victory.
For when we are weak (in ourselves), then we are strong (in Him).
By the grace of God, whatever our lot, we will be okay and He will be glorified, His majesty and power and love—His gift of grace—on full display in the big picture of our lives.
At times, my village has included professional therapists and physicians who were able to meet me where I was and help sort out the chaos. They helped me get a handle on my health, ask the right questions and find the answers together. These compassionate, wise people were instrumental in teaching me how to navigate through one of the biggest storms of my life and into calmer waters, and I will be forever grateful.
God’s grace and our gratefulness—they work together to affect change, not necessarily in our circumstances but in our own hearts. When we keep the eyes of our heart focused on Him and His goodness, the view we wake up to every day begins to look less and less hopeless in light of His presence, His grace and His power. It begins to look like hope itself.
We start to realize and then truly believe that, while we can’t control what happens to us, we will be alright because we have a Savior who is already triumphant, who is sovereign and who fights for us.
We have to keep in mind, though, that God has never promised His children a life free from trouble. Quite the opposite. Jesus said, “In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33 ESV)
Trials and tests of our faith are guaranteed in this life, “but God”—one of my favorite phrases, and His Word has no shortage of it:
“My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” (Psalm 73:26 ESV)
“You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives.” (Genesis 50:20 NIV)
“But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” (Romans 5:8 NIV)
“You killed the author of life, but God raised him from the dead.” (Acts 3:15 NIV)
We serve a risen Savior who has triumphed where we could not, who has defeated death, who calls us His own and has our best at heart, who has our spouses’ best at heart, who has our children’s best at heart, whatever that may look like.
We can trust Him! And we can rely on Him.
So, when we are called by God—for both the big missions and the seemingly small tasks—and find ourselves thinking, “But I can’t…” or “But I’m not…” or “But I don’t have…,” we need to remember Who CAN and Who IS and Who HAS everything under control and our best in mind.
When doubt or fear creeps in, we can proclaim, “But God!” He is able and He makes each of us able in all the necessary ways.
After a lot of prayer, it became evident that finding a job was the right way forward, and I got to work on revising my resume and submitting it to as many openings as I could find that at least somewhat fit with my education and experience.
This was uncharted territory for me, but it forced me to look back and to see where God had been faithful. It helped me see His hand on my life and realize that what the future held would be His as well.
Over the course of the next several months, I applied to more than seventy positions, receiving only two interviews. It was disheartening to say the least. One job was a long shot (they ended up hiring from within the company), and the other ended abruptly after I was offered the job but turned it down when several red flags popped up concerning a manager.
Through that experience, God very clearly reaffirmed that NO amount of money is worth compromising my integrity and, for believers, our witness. God will always have something better for you, and when I say “better,” I don’t necessarily mean more lucrative. I mean aligned with His will, God-honoring, purposeful, part of His greater plan for your life.
You are justified in closing some of those open doors yourself—however difficult that may be or desperate the situation—when you know they lead only to sin, to the dismantling of your relationship with Jesus Christ. Trust that God is using your walking away from toxic opportunities and your walking toward Him to strengthen your reliance on Him, your endurance, your faith.
You can trust that He will always have a better way forward for you too!
This was 2009, the U.S. economy was still recovering, and competition for jobs was incredibly stiff. I was becoming more and more discouraged, self-critical and unsettled, and I again questioned if I had correctly understood God’s direction. Through His Word, day after day, He assured me that I had, that He was working in my waiting:
“Our soul waits for the Lord; he is our help and our shield. For our heart is glad in him, because we trust in his holy name. Let your steadfast love, O Lord, be upon us, even as we hope in you.” (Psalm 33:20-22 ESV)
“And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.” (Philippians 1:6 ESV)
“Why am I discouraged? Why is my heart so sad? I will put my hope in God! I will praise him again—my Savior and my God!” (Psalm 42:11 NLT)
And so, I continued to wait and in the waiting He drew me close to Him through prayer and Bible study. My perspective began to shift ever so slightly, and the walls I’d built up around my heart began to crack and let in His light. My thanks and praise became genuine again, an act of worship rather than pretense.
I began to actively pray His Word over me and my circumstances and my family instead of idly listening to the lies the enemy wanted me to believe:
“I am not alone. Father God, you go with me and fight for me. You are always good and work all things for good. Your peace and joy go with me.”
“My life has purpose and You have a plan—a perfect plan, one that is better than all of mine and that glorifies You.”
“I praise You for I am fearfully and wonderfully made!”
“I am your daughter who is dearly loved. I am chosen, redeemed, forgiven, made in your image, more than a conqueror. I am Your servant. May Your will be done.”
The weight of all of that Truth was bound to break through to the real me, the eternal me. As Christine Caine writes,
“Praise precedes the breakthrough! Speak life and the promises of God over your circumstances. — Breakthrough is on the way!”
I was discovering that my breakthrough required my brokenness … less of me and more of Him. No fancy formulas or complicated, step-by-step, 5-year plans …
Just Jesus.
I realize that may not sound very practical or ambitious at a time when hustling would be the norm, but hustle without rest and reflection is a dangerous business. I had hustled and fought for years to do things my way, to do what I thought the world expected of me … and I failed miserably.
I was so tired and so over myself—I was done.
And so, I ran back to the only One who had ever said, “Be still and know me. My yoke is easy and my burden is light. I give rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing.” Rest and joy, friends.
I ran to my Abba Father who never fails.
It was a new year that felt like a new beginning. That January, I attended a family member’s jewelry party, where I met two godly women who would become dear friends and would be instrumental in my finding a community, peace of mind, and ministry opportunities that only God could arrange—divine appointments planned in advance as He was preparing my heart for service and healing.
Becoming a small business owner had never even been on my list of options, but God surprised me, as He does, and made a way for it to happen. All the right doors opened up, and within a month I was an independent consultant for a biblically based jewelry company, opening up my home and myself to women of many different backgrounds and beliefs, each with her own struggles and hopes.
While my initial goal was earning an income to help offset the cost of student loans, God’s plans included so much more. He turned this fledgling business into a ministry that met women right where they were and helped them see the beauty of who God made them and the love of Jesus.
The jewelry helped open front doors, but God then opened our hearts. So many needs shared, so many troubles prayed over, so many seeds planted with tears and moments of real connection, often with complete strangers who craved a listening ear or words of affirmation and encouragement.
Over the next four years, I also met countless women who struggled with an autoimmune disorder or anxiety and ADHD, and as my loneliness and isolation and shame started to crumble, I was finally able to say, “Me too … and this is my story.”
“For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.”
Isaiah 43:19 NLT
Out of the broken shards and swirling dust from the mask I’d finally let fall away, God was making a masterpiece. The rubble of what had once bound me in humiliation and fear and grief and had held me hostage in my own body was now being used for good to build His Kingdom. It was being used not just for others’ healing but also for mine.
The more I opened up, the more my newfound community opened up and the more we grew. As I worked and served alongside these remarkable women, my own heart and identity were gently being pieced back together, but this time I rested safely in the hands of my Savior, not in the changing opinions and eyes of the world.
Friends, I wish I could tell you that the years since then have been nothing but smooth sailing (that’s a story for another time). BUT … David and I have since had two children—two amazing, beautiful, resilient, energetic, loving, growing little boys. While there’s so much to love, there’s nothing smooth about parenthood, except maybe the puréed fruits and veggies that ended up everywhere except in our sons’ mouths.
But God, friends—but by the grace of God.
And the difference now than when this story began is that I know—in the deepest parts of my being—which way to run when the going gets tough … and where to rest when I’ve exhausted all of my energy … and when to count my blessings (all the live long day) … and why community is so important … and Whom to praise in easy times and in hard … and how to seek Him with all my heart … and who I truly am in Christ:
I am His and that is always enough.
When—in our sin and hopelessness—we needed a Savior, Christ died for us. And still, when we lose our way, He is with us.
When we fall, He extends His hand.
When life seems to make no sense, He is still in control.
When the world rejects us, He lovingly adopts us into His family as we are, faults, doubts, failures, regrets, questions, emotional baggage and all.
And when we abide in Him, He makes us more and more like Him—life and growth where there would have been none.
When my heart was heavy and spirit crushed, the Lord drew me to Himself and spoke the Truth in love. He restored my soul, and so I “rejoice always and delight in my faith,” knowing God is greater and able.
