Nolan (3 years old) slipped and fell into the corner of a play table and bruised his ribs a little. He was fine but hadn’t had a nap, and when he gets sleepy, he also gets dramatic and emotional—don’t have a clue whom he gets that from, haha. This time, though, after I sat down in the floor and wrapped him up in my arms to console him, he was a little deeper in thought …
“Mom, I need a bandaid. I’m bleeeeeeding.”
“I know those are fun, but you’re not bleeding, bud. You’ll probably have a little bruise and be sore for a couple days, no bandaids needed.”
“Ok … but I slipped. Why did I slip, Mom?”
“Well, you were balancing on a slippery book, and it just came out from under you when you leaned on the table.”
“But why?”
“You haven’t had a nap today, and I think your body might be tired, so you lost your balance and fell off the book.”
“Whyyy?”
“When we get tired, sometimes our bodies and brains don’t work as well, and we get clumsier and can’t think as quickly. We need sleep to have energy for our muscles and bodies to work.”
“Energy? Plugs have energy! But why??”
Oh, heavens, haha. “Little one. I’m SO glad you’re feeling better! There are lots of questions Mommy won’t have the answer for or explain very well. Only God knows the answer to all of our questions.”
<processing that long and apparently insufficient response>
“But whyyyyy??”
Aaaaah! Any other parents at this stage? It’s adorable and mentally exhausting at the same time. Inevitably, it escalates to a certain point that I’m like, “Ok. Let’s go play LEGOs or make cookies! Who wants a snack?”
Pivot! Divert! Distract! … “Look, boys! I’m Bumblebee … gonna get you, little Decepticons!”
I’m so thankful we have a Heavenly Father who never gets tired of our questions and lovingly responds to our doubts and hurts when we slip or lose our way or our focus for a bit.
He always has time for us as His children … He has eternity for us.
Man, if that doesn’t hit me right in the gut.
His grace and forgiveness cover our every bump and bruise and poor decision made at the height of exhaustion or frustration. He is steady, patient, faithful, merciful, just … He is love in its perfect form and knew we couldn’t be, that we would need Jesus to be love for us and in us and through us.
We can’t do it on our own.
He knows us at our darkest, saddest, angriest, lowest, most out of control and most controlling … and chooses us anyway—chooses us always.
He meets us where we are and gives us exactly what we need instead of exactly what we want.
What an example we have of unconditional, unbiased, unburdened love! And He makes it available to all of us in every moment, including those which frustrate or tire or confound or disappoint us.
How do we tap into that and extend it to others?
How do we choose to extend love and grace to our questioning, testing, attention-demanding, still-learning children, for example, or that challenging co-worker or church member?
In the heat of the moment, it’s so easy to break down, give in, give up, or lash out if we don’t have a plan.
Fortunately, the Bible has no shortage of wisdom for us and doesn’t mince words:
“But I say to you who hear, love your enemies, do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you. … Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.” (Luke 6:27, 31 NASB)
“To sum up, all of you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.” (1 Peter 3:8-9 NASB)
“The [arrogant] fool’s anger is quickly known [because he lacks self-control and common sense], But a prudent man ignores an insult.” (Proverbs 12:16 AMP)
“For through the grace given to me I say to everyone among you not to think more highly of himself than he ought to think; but to think so as to have sound judgment, as God has allotted to each a measure of faith.” (Romans 12:3 NASB)
“Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.” (Matthew 7:3-5 ESV)
“[But] no human being can tame the tongue. It is a restless evil, full of deadly poison. With it we bless our Lord and Father, and with it we curse people who are made in the likeness of God. From the same mouth come blessing and cursing. My brothers, these things ought not to be so.” (James 3:8-10 ESV)
“A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” (Proverbs 15:1 ESV)
“Let your speech at all times be gracious and pleasant, seasoned with salt, so that you will know how to answer each one [who questions you].” (Colossians 4:6 AMP)
“Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;” (James 1:19 ESV)
“Before destruction the heart of man is haughty, But humility goes before honor. He who gives an answer before he hears, It is folly and shame to him.” (Proverbs 18:12-13 NASB)
“But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law. And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires. If we live by the Spirit, let us also keep in step with the Spirit. Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another.” (Galatians 5:22-26 ESV)
“Hatred stirs up strife, but love covers all offenses.” (Proverbs 10:12 ESV)
It’s kinda hard to argue with that. God’s Word is pretty straightforward and convicting: we should be loving, humble, patient, self-controled, actively listening and doing good—not only toward those who love us but also toward those who test our patience and convenience, who wrong us or even hate us.
That’s a tall order, friends, but one we are commanded to undertake, nonetheless. “Easier said than done.” Right?
But then how often am I that difficult person for someone else?? If anything is clear, it’s that I have heart work to do and always will. (Romans 3:10, 23)
We are all works in progress.
Thankfully, we already have a perfect guide to follow in Jesus and His example.
How did He go about dealing with difficult people in difficult situations?
He listened and let people ask Him questions. (Mark 5:34-36, Mark 10, Luke 24:17-20, John 4:7-26)
He asked thought-provoking questions. (Luke 12:14,57)
He refused to be sucked into their drama. (Matthew 22:18)
He knew when to hold His tongue. (John 8:6)
He knew when to engage, speaking the truth in love in a way that resonated with the listener. (Mark 10:17-22, Luke 7:40-42)
He referred back to scripture. (Mark 10:2-3)
He remained true to God and His Word, despite what others said about Him; His identity was found only in His Father. (Luke 4:1-13, Luke 6:1-11)
He wasn’t defensive and didn’t try to people-please. (Mark 10:35-45)
He sometimes disengaged and walked away. (Matthew 12:14-15, 16:1-4; Luke 4:30)
He helped people, expecting nothing in return. (Mark 6:56)
He prayed for them and forgave them. (Luke 23:42)
He saw their sin and loved them anyway. (John 8:1-11)
He even gave us a blueprint in Matthew for handling conflict with a fellow believer:
“If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother.
But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses.
If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector.”
Matthew 18:15-17 ESV
Challenging people—who, just like ourselves, are made in the image of God and probably are hurting in some way—are often the best sanctifiers. They act like spiritual sandpaper, helping to smooth out our rough spots.
They shine a light on our imperfections and weaknesses and give us opportunities for repentance and redemption, chances to practice living out God’s Word and putting our faith into action. (Romans 12:18; James 1:2-5, 12-14, 19, 22-25)
This kind of radical love is a choice, friends, not an emotion.
Lisa Bevere sums this up so beautifully:
“You see, once you own a mistake, it no longer owns you. God is a redeemer, and His redemptive nature extends into the deep caverns of our regrets and failures. When we bring our failures and regrets into the light, we find God’s redemptive love brings something beautiful out of the ashes. …
Be kind while it is in your power. Be generous in word and deed. Look beyond the actions and search for God’s heart in the matter.
Have the hard talks. Extend olive branches. Reconcile. Own your part even if they refuse to own theirs.
You will never regret kind words, warmth, or acts of generosity—but you will regret the love you never gave.”
Lisa Bevere
Friends, it all comes down to love in action.
If we lived truly knowing how overwhelmingly loved and accepted and forgiven and redeemed and chosen and covered by grace we are by our Good Father AND how imperfect we ourselves really are—
… read that again and let it sink in …
If we lived like that, I imagine we’d be more inclined to extend grace and love to those who may be the hardest to love, including ourselves.
We can be our own worst enemy, so being in the Word—meditating on scripture and the Truth of who and Whose we are—is essential to growth, to deep belief, to faith and love, to obedience.
In moments of tension and high emotion, when we feel ourselves slipping into indignation and defensiveness, …
we can pause,
take a deep breath,
and remind ourselves of Jesus’s example and His choice to love.
No doubt we’ll have plenty of opportunities to practice!
Finally, this is what true, unconditional love looks like:
“If I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love [for others growing out of God’s love for me], then I have become only a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal [just an annoying distraction].
And if I have the gift of prophecy [and speak a new message from God to the people], and understand all mysteries, and [possess] all knowledge; and if I have all [sufficient] faith so that I can remove mountains, but do not have love [reaching out to others], I am nothing.
If I give all my possessions to feed the poor, and if I surrender my body to be burned, but do not have love, it does me no good at all.
Love endures with patience and serenity, love is kind and thoughtful, and is not jealous or envious; love does not brag and is not proud or arrogant. It is not rude; it is not self-seeking, it is not provoked [nor overly sensitive and easily angered]; it does not take into account a wrong endured. It does not rejoice at injustice, but rejoices with the truth [when right and truth prevail].
Love bears all things [regardless of what comes], believes all things [looking for the best in each one], hopes all things [remaining steadfast during difficult times], endures all things [without weakening].
Love never fails [it never fades nor ends]. …
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things.
For now [in this time of imperfection] we see in a mirror dimly [a blurred reflection, a riddle, an enigma], but then [when the time of perfection comes we will see reality] face to face. Now I know in part [just in fragments], but then I will know fully, just as I have been fully known [by God].
And now there remain: faith [abiding trust in God and His promises], hope [confident expectation of eternal salvation], love [unselfish love for others growing out of God’s love for me], these three [the choicest graces]; but the greatest of these is love.”
1 Corinthians 13:1-8,11-13 AMP
Content Warning: This next section contains discussion of domestic and family violence. Some survivors might find its content troubling.
All of that said about loving challenging people and our enemies, this also needs to be made clear—in NO way does God condone abuse, physical or otherwise, nor does He want us to just endure it.
Abuse is often termed “oppression” in the Bible, and numerous scriptures point to its condemnation: Deuteronomy 22:25-29, Malachi 2:16b; Isaiah 3:14b-15; Jeremiah 2:38 leading to 3:8, 22:17-19; Ruth 2:22; Psalm 11; Proverbs 3 and 10; Romans 13:4; Colossians 3:19; Ephesians 5:25, 28-29; several Psalms and pretty much the entire book of Exodus!
Fleeing is strictly the oppressed/abused person’s choice to make (not the abuser’s, not a family member’s, not a friend’s) and is justified: Matthew 10:23, Jeremiah 37:11-12, Exodus 2:15, 2 Corinthians 11:33, 1 Samuel 19:12, Luke 9:10.
God is on their side: Psalm 56, Proverbs 4:31-32, Luke 4:18-21, Matthew 9:13, Mark 3:4-5.
And we should be too: Acts 23:12-22, Romans 13, Ephesians 5:11-13.
For more information, please take a minute to visit the following resources:
Feature photo by Jordan Whitt on Unsplash
